I very rarely write reviews, and NEVER negative ones. I don't feel great about writing this one, to be honest, but it's the truth, and it's something I wish I had known before booking an appointment. "Angel" was very nice, friendly and easy to communicate with. He was also super understanding when I ran into train issues, and was running a few minutes late to our scheduled appointment time. All that was fantastic. When I arrived, however, I was immediately struck by how unrecognizable he was from his MANY photos posted on here. I use the word unrecognizable intentionally, because even NOW I'm not totally convinced it was the same person. I don't know if the photos are super outdated or what, but it was striking. That's pretty superficial, I admit, and it's not why I'm writing this review.
Nothing about the massage or overall experience was relaxing, soothing or stress-relieving. The space was incredibly cramped--so much so that he couldn't even walk freely on either side of the table! It also didn't feel like an actual massage table, but rather just a plywood sheet that someone had managed to cut a hole into. Some face cradle, huh? Rock hard, with almost no cushioning or contour whatsoever. Very uncomfortable and painful to be face down on.
The lights were dimmed, but he left the MASSIVE television turned on. It was muted, but only 2-3 feet away from us, so the sense of movement and jagged lighting it gave off was very annoying. He used his cell phone to play music, but placed it on the other side of the room. Imagine that--it was akin to trying to watch a film that someone had secretly recorded with their cell phones while sitting in the movie theater! A janky recording OF THE RECORDING type thing. That might have been a blessing, though, because the music he chose to play was baffling. Usually when getting a massage you'll hear relaxing soundscapes, or soft classical music or something. Just give "massage music" one search on Spotify, the number of custom made playlists are endless! Any one of them would have been great, but instead Angel chose to play bizarre, latino pop music. That, of course, was combined with the sounds of dogs growling and fighting RIGHT outside of the window. Sounds like heaven, doesn't it?
As for the massage itself, the oil was *****, synthetic and he used way too much of it. He was also far too "aggressive," let's say, with where he chose to focus the massage. Usually a masseur will spend slightly more time on a specific area if you tell them it's been bothering you, but generally they cover it all--back, neck, arms, hands, feet, calves, thighs, glutes, etc. Angel spent maybe a total of 2 minutes on my arms, 5-6 minutes on my back, 1 minute on my neck, and the rest of the time on my glutes and "inner thighs." Some of that time wasn't spent massaging my glutes, but rather trying to penetrate them, if you catch my drift..? That was NOT what I expected or signed up for. Not trying to play coy, or act like I'm some prude who went in looking for a strictly clinical, therapeutic massage. That said, there's an art to giving a massage of ANY kind. You've got to start slowly. Get the personal comfortable, and familiarize them with your touch and the feel of your strokes. Get the energy in their body to awaken, calm and release. Tantalize them, tease them, work your way in. You don't just quickly lather them up with cold, synthetic oil and then start trying to hump them.
None of this is meant to be hurtful, mean-spirited, or as a personal attack by any stretch. It's the truth, though. After all was said and done, I paid Angel MORE than what I'm usually comfortable with for what turned out to be 35-40 minutes of just really uncomfortable nonsense.
